Abuse

How to Tell When a Narcissist is Done with You Forever

When is it REALLY over when you love a narcissist?

When is it REALLY over when you love a narcissist?

Once you know you are with a narcissist is when you know they are done with you forever.

The narcissist was done with you forever once devaluation began.

And that was likely long ago. And you didn’t even notice it, because you fell in love with their fantasy world of their mask during lovebomb.

In reality, the narcissist is done with everyone.

From the beginning.

They are destined to be done with everyone they get close to: they cannot EMOTIONALLY ATTACH.

Behind that mask, they’re all alone in there. Achingly so.

They may have thought for a moment that they could see you as golden forever during idealization.

They were dizzy in their fantasy of being the best in the world, perfect, grandiose, sexually desirable, lovable, without flaw.

They saw themselves through the lens of the love you gave them as they mirrored you.

It felt good. They were surviving their lonely despair, for a moment. Their mask felt so real to them.

Because someone believed in their fantasy world.

But they are very sensitive little children alone in there, so once you did the slightest thing to make them feel jealous, or seem better than them, or cause a shadow of shame to flit across their brain, they split you to all bad.

You’re a lightning bolt in the fantasy.

THEY ARE AFRAID. THEY FEEL ANGRY TOWARDS YOU. THEY FEEL YOU ARE TRYING TO MAKE THEM BE WORTHLESS AND NO LONGER THE BEST IN THE WORLD…

Take away power. Control. Entitlement…

…just like their narcissist parent did when they shattered the golden child fantasy they gave them by splitting them to black and introducing the cycle of abuse.

If you try to express feelings to them about the ways they are abusing them, they cannot feel anything for your feelings, because they lack empathy. They process the feelings of others only as tools of manipulation, so your feelings make them even more angry and paranoid.

And because their parent abandoned them while vulnerable, swiped the fantasy of love away like an infant robbed of its cradle…

…something in that baby died.

Just like what happened to the parent. And their parents. And theirs before…

To survive, a healthy brain will shut off empathy to fight back against a predator.

That baby’s parent turned into a predator, after giving them a carbon copy of their golden fantasy identity, and, in doing so, destroyed their identity, their self love, their ability to trust, and their sense of worth.

The baby brain turned off empathy FOREVER to survive it. For everyone.

Then they baby fled back to trying desperately to make the fantasy world of the golden child come true again.

The one in which they were lovable. And loved. Adored. The best. Perfect. Spoiled. Could do no wrong.

When the narcissist parent destroyed that world, they left them all alone. They never emotionally advanced beyond that, and they NEVER PROPERLY ATTACHED THROUGH LOVE.

From that point forward, they may have been abused less than the scapegoat and periodically made golden again by their narcissist parent and lovebombed, but they were also abused.

They were raised in the exact same cycle they put every person in their life through.

They know no other reality but to keep clinging to the fantasy.

Therefore, they are destined to ALWAYS be done with EVERYONE.

They will hit devaluation phase with everyone, and when that happens, the person becomes…

…THEIR SCAPEGOAT. SOMEONE TO BLAME. A PREDATOR MAKING THEM FEEL BAD.

They are destined to always be alone because every person that gets close to them eventually feels predatory to them in the sense that they are destroying the childhood fantasy of the golden, the perfect, the entitled, the best in the world….

That’s a lonely life, high up on that throne.

But they’re terrified of who they’ll face when they topple off it.

And everyone who comes near wobbles it unsteadily.

SO THEY DEFEND IT AT ALL COSTS.

They are destined to hate, hurt, and attack everyone who comes near them.

You may see them in long marriages, in long friendships, seeming to get along with other narcissists, but they’ve split them all to black.

They’re abusing them ALL.

Even a narcissist-narcissist friendship or relationship is a death match. Though they’ll cling for very long relationships of constant fighting and abuse.

They’re abusing everyone unless they are very temporarily in idealization with someone.

Their brains are constantly offloading shame. It does so through projected blame and scapegoating.

So, as soon as you realize you are with someone with NPD, or at the first whiff of devaluation,

THAT IS WHEN YOU KNOW THE NARCISSIST IS DONE WITH YOU.

Because you know their sad destiny.

To hate everyone.

And when you know this, you should make a plan to survive them.

Because without empathy, they have the potential to kill you and they will want you dead.

Narcissists should not be underestimated: they stalk, they lie, they cheat, they rape, they kill. They have no stable identity or empathy; their morals are entirely a mask.

They will be jealous of your ability to love and be loved.

They will want you destroyed emotionally and physically. You could die from health issues from the psychological trauma, from suicide, or even from murder, depending on their level of trauma.

The world felt predatory to them as children.

They became predators to survive that world.

That is a sad thing, but they are not safe and should be treated as predators.

Is the predator done with you in the sense that they don’t need you as supply, as an object in their fantasy world that they own, as someone to blame?

No, never.

Not as long as you live. Not as long as they live.

Will they physically discard you?

Maybe. Highly likely.

Emotionally, they probably did a long time ago.

Will they try to hoover you after that?

Again and again. Whenever they’re low on supply. Sometimes desperate and embarrassing attempts to hoover.

The undead never stop rising from their graves.

My new collection of essays, Cluster B Cluster F***: Personal Essays on Borderlines, Histrionics, Narcissists, and Sociopaths, is now available on Amazon.

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For individual coaching to recover from narcissistic abuse, BPD, or sexual assault, visit https://am-champion.com

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Anne M. Champion is the author of This is a Story About Ghosts: A Memoir of Borderline Personality Disorder (KDP, 2024), Hunted Carrion: Sonnets to a Stalker (KDP, 2024), She Saints & Holy Profanities (Quarterly West, 2019), The Good Girl is Always a Ghost (Black Lawrence Press, 2018), Book of Levitations (Trembling Pillow Press, 2019), Reluctant Mistress (Gold Wake Press, 2013), and The Dark Length Home (Noctuary Press, 2017). Her work appears in Verse Daily, diode, Tupelo Quarterly, Prairie Schooner, Crab Orchard Review, Salamander, New South, Redivider, PANK Magazine, and elsewhere. She was a 2009 Academy of American Poets Prize recipient, a 2016 Best of the Net winner, and a Barbara Deming Memorial Grant recipient. She has degrees in Behavioral Psychology and Creative Writing.

But they’re terrified of who they’ll face when they topple off it.

Not as long as you live. Not as long as they live.

The undead never stop rising from their graves.

Check out my books at this link:

Subscribe to my blog, Blooming on the Borderline!

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