Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Two Signs You're Being Groomed by a Narcissist

They test out new supply before locking you in to Hell on Earth.

Narcissists groom new supply in two ways:

BOUNDARY TESTING
LOVEBOMBING

But before I explain: you can’t be guaranteed that as a new supply they’re going to trade you in and discard their old supply if they’re already in a relationship.

The narcissist is only going to discard supply if it feels certain that supply — either positive or negative — has run dry: either supply can no longer provide for their needs in some way or they’ve unmasked them.

A narcissist wants to have as much supply (as many toys) as possible.

More often, I see them cling to supply — even, and especially, if they make each other miserable.

But they always test out new supply before locking you in to their Hell on Earth.

BOUNDARY TESTING:

They check to see how much you hate yourself, how much you people please, and how much you’ll let them get away with.

A real example in texts:

“Hey, I’m on my way, leaving in 5.”

“So sorry to do this last minute but I’m not feeling well.”

Boundary test: Will you be upset they didn’t tell you until last minute and let you down or will you pity them for not feeling well?

“Omg! I’m so sorry. I hope you feel better!”

“Thanks. Maybe tomorrow.”

Boundary test: Will you easily make new time for them? Will seeing them be at their whim, on their timing? Will you accept the lack of commitment, the “maybe?”

“Sure. Do you need anything?”

“Maybe some soup. You got any?”

Boundary test: How much are you willing to cater to them?

“Yeah, I have chicken noodle. I can bring it if you want.”

“No, not hungry.”

Boundary test: Will you baby them in their petulance?

“Okay. Well, feel better. I can pick you up something if you need.”

“K.”

Boundary test: Do you get offended by the dreaded and dismissive “k?”

Hours later:

“Wyd?”

“My friend stopped by. We’re watching tv. What’s up?”

“Do you have tomato soup?”

“No, but I can get some.”

“Cool. Bring it over.”

Boundary test: Will you leave your friend for them? Will you drop everything to be at their beck and call?

“I’ll bring it tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow is no good for me.”

“But you said we could maybe hang tomorrow?”

Boundary test: How well can you endure this whiplash and cognitive dissonance?

“I made other plans.”

Boundary test: How hurt will you be that they chose someone else already when you’d been hoping to see them the next day?

“Okay, well, I hope you feel better.”

NARCISSISTIC INJURY.

They feel they’re losing to your friend as competition.

They respond with devaluation and guilt tripping.

“Seriously? You’re gonna do this while I’m sick? Heartless.” (Projection: accusation as confession).

“Okay, I’m sorry. I’ll get some soup and come over soon.”

CONGRATS! 🎉

You've showcased an insecure and unhealthy attachment style.

Therefore, you've passed the test and you’re now qualified for the job of slavery, but never, ever love: it’s clear you don’t love yourself, so why should they love you?!

But you’ll treat them like a God, the fantasy they always wanted, the golden child.

It was only in therapy later that I was able to see all the boundary testing.

LOVEBOMBING:

This will be no different from how they groom kids, and narcissists are often pedophiles too, (and always child abusers if they’re parents, though they tend to think they’re PERFECT parents), so they just do with you what they do with kids once it’s clear you’re willfully blind to their false self.

They will give lots of gifts and/or generous gestures, they’ll make you feel like you’re their best friend and favorite, and they’ll give measured emotional vulnerability so you feel safe to confide in them and bonded to them. You’ll trust them and feel loved by them. The gifts, attention, and/or emotional vulnerability will flood your brain with feel good chemicals.

And then they’ll muddy it all with sex and orgasms alternated between devaluation and abuse that get you addicted to them like a drug.

Eventually, no matter what they do, you’ll still struggle to leave them like a heroin addiction. It’s Stockholm Syndrome.

And once it’s clear the lovebomb has reeled you in, the lovebombs will become breadcrumbs and become less and less frequent.

They’ve made their down payment. They own you.

They don’t feel the need to keep up their false pretenses as much.

Do they do any of this on purpose?

Some are self aware, but most of them do this by instinct and in utter denial. They’re mentally ill and part of that illness is delusion.

They genuinely believe everyone deserves the poor treatment they give. They don’t think they’re “grooming victims:” they think THEY are victims and without flaw.

Even pedophile narcissists know exactly what they do but the studies on them in prison say they persistently victim blame or delude: they say it was innocent, the kid wanted it, they loved the child, the kid could’ve said no, the kid was evil and deserved it.

That's their trauma response: it’s how they survive the awful things they do and bypass feeling shame.

As someone who rode this rodeo until it gave me brain damage, if you feel a narcissist is grooming you, SHUT IT DOWN.

Recognize they're NOT their mask: their mask is always designed after you, so recognize that and stop trying to love yourself through loving a fraud version of you. Love the original — you — not the copy.

I highly recommend working on developing boundaries. They're really averse to them. They either trample them and show their true self or they run from you.

I also had to learn what abuse tactics were and be able to name them to recognize when they were happening.

I think it’s also important to recognize and heal your own toxic trauma responses, from your addictions to codependency to how you respond to triggers and abusive people.

It’s really important to be able to hold love for yourself while also recognizing you are imperfect. You can be both imperfect and lovable, just as the narcissist was far from perfect, but you loved them.

You have to give yourself the gifts of accountability, honesty, mercy, and growth.

Accountability and honesty won't always feel good, but they're necessary to growth, and you'll see what a gift they are the more you heal.

Healing isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.

My memoir, This is a Story About Ghosts: A Memoir of Borderline Personality Disorder, is now available on Amazon.

I’m blogging about mental health & true crime, popular culture, and personal essays on my new blog, Blooming on the Borderline: check it out at the links below.

For individual coaching to recover from narcissistic abuse, BPD, or sexual assault, visit https://am-champion.com

If you’d like to support my writing, hit the clap, check out my books, or Buy Me a Coffee.

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Anne M. Champion is the author of This is a Story About Ghosts: A Memoir of Borderline Personality Disorder (KDP, 2024), Hunted Carrion: Sonnets to a Stalker (KDP, 2024), She Saints & Holy Profanities (Quarterly West, 2019), The Good Girl is Always a Ghost (Black Lawrence Press, 2018), Book of Levitations (Trembling Pillow Press, 2019), Reluctant Mistress (Gold Wake Press, 2013), and The Dark Length Home (Noctuary Press, 2017). Her work appears in Verse Daily, diode, Tupelo Quarterly, Prairie Schooner, Crab Orchard Review, Salamander, New South, Redivider, PANK Magazine, and elsewhere. She was a 2009 Academy of American Poets Prize recipient, a 2016 Best of the Net winner, and a Barbara Deming Memorial Grant recipient. She has degrees in Behavioral Psychology and Creative Writing.

A narcissist wants to have as much supply (as many toys) as possible.

You've showcased an insecure and unhealthy attachment style.

You have to give yourself the gifts of accountability, honesty, mercy, and growth.

Healing isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.

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