Why a Narcissist Can Be Addicted to Sex With You--And Resent You For It
Sex, at it's core, isn't just physical--even for an emotionally unavailable man.
Sex was a major tool that narcissists used to control me before I went celibate and broke my trauma bonding and self-harming habits.
As a person with Borderline Personality Disorder, being raised as the scapegoat child by one parent and invisible child by another made me DEEPLY crave human connection and love.
Even today, while I've healed the most toxic parts of my pathology, I still FEEL like a Borderline, and the deep well of love I have inside of me with not enough people to give it to who can safely hold it feels like my most aching life tragedy.
I hunger to find people who love how I love, but since I was raised to believe I was fundamentally worthless--and since my enmeshments with narcissists as friends and lovers reinforced this feeling--I thought perhaps sex was the lowest bar I could reach.
At least when I was touched, it could FEEL like love. Momentarily, I could imagine that I had some worth to someone.
But a disturbing and disorienting pattern emerged in my life as soon as I became sexually active.
The narcissist men I slept with not only had sex with me: they had sex with me OBSESSIVELY.
It was normal for men to keep me up nearly all night having sex over and over again. And I was all too eager to please.
Not only that, men transformed in bed with me.
The hardest, most arrogant, most cocky men became soft when they were naked with me.
They cuddled me; they told me their secret pains; they told me their dreams; sometimes, they clutched me while they slept with such a force that it seemed like they feared losing me more than anything else.
Silly me--I kept letting hope bloom in my chest like a weed: Is this love? Is this finally a flower and not a weed?
With one lover, we had a four and a half year relationship. In that time, there wasn't a single time in which we didn't have sex when we saw each other. We did it even when I was ill. We did it even when his father died. We did it even right after I aborted his baby. We usually did it several times a day.
What made this confusing: he cheated on me relentlessly.
But when discovered, he cried and begged me to stay.